Suspect Traits

AUTOMOBILE

JETPACK

I wonder if his ride had an ejector seat, given that it didn't have a seat in the first place.

Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's your suspect!

Your suspect had her head in the clouds. Until she landed, anyway.

Oh yeah, he came through here for a second.  Actually it was more like a half-second, and all I really heard was a loud FWOOSH.

He did some critical work to shatter the glass ceiling, specifically by blasting through it when he took off.

There was such a fuss when he landed here, no one even noticed that his engine exhaust ruined my begonias. Such is the life of the begonia enthusiast.

I'd describe his means of travel as half jump belt, half Himmelstürmer. I wish there were a way to combine those names that sounded as cool as "labradoodle."

That lady was more than a one-woman wrecking crew. She was a one-woman airplane

RICKSHAW

I've always wondered what would happen if you combined a regular car and a Vespa, and now that I've seen her vehicle I can finally get a real hobby.

If you've ever wondered what cabs look like before they grow up, ask your suspect. She drove a baby taxi.

Until you catch him, he's free as a bird.  Come to think of it, he's also airborne as a bird.

Let me tell you, when he took off from here, he really took off. Didn't request tower clearance or anything.

I couldn't believe it! She was driving next year's flagship Bajaj! I'd get one myself, but I don't need the ego massaj.

I've always wondered what would happen if you combined a regular car and a Vespa, and now that I've seen his vehicle I can finally get a real hobby.

I called her ride a motorized bicycle and she looked at me like I was some kind of small-frame engine-powered transport racist.

She drove up in a really small vehicle. Couldn't have fit more than three people, maybe four, depending on if she wanted to charge fares.

I'd describe her car as one wheel in front, two wheels in back, three priceless works of art in the trunk.

I remember thinking, "where'd this girl learn to drive, the streets of Bangalore?" But I must have said it out loud, because she answered, "yes."

The girl was a thief! Seriously, I took a ride across town in her mototaxi and the meter ended up at half my year's salary.

She drove something that was half-car, half-bike, and 100% blocking me in.  What a jerk.

She almost hit me with her wheels and I was like, "Dude! Control your bajaj!"

If you've ever wondered what cabs look like before they grow up, ask your suspect. He drove a baby taxi.

You know those two-wheeled carts people used to pull through the streets of old Japan? She had one of those, only pulled by an engine.  Another job lost to the machines.

Her vehicle was smaller than a car, but needed more gas than a bike. Based on what people around me said, I think it's called a "watch where you're going!"

His vehicle was smaller than a car, but needed more gas than a bike. Based on what people around me said, I think it's called a "watch where you're going!"

ICE CREAM TRUCK

You know how some cars come with automatic windows? His came with automatic soft-serve.

He had a pretty innovative frozen custard recipe. The main innovation was the way he stole it from its creator.

He rolled down the window and told me he was experimenting with ancient gelato-making techniques. I told him he had the wrong address.

Oh, that guy? You say he's an internationally-wanted criminal? Well then it's EXTRA weird that his van's calliope was playing "I Fought the Law."

Oh, that woman? You say she's an internationally-wanted criminal? Well then it's EXTRA weird that her van's calliope was playing "I Fought the Law."

You want a real scoop? Then you should have caught this guy before he left town.

He told me he had a plan to make a mint. Then he gestured at the rest of his flavors and said that's what had been missing.

She told me she had a plan to make a mint. Then she gestured at the rest of her flavors and said that's what had been missing.

SKATEBOARD

If you want to pick this gal out in a crowd, look for a helmet and elbow-pads. Then on her forearms, look for road-rash.

He asked if I needed any "stale fish." Before I could say no, he'd jumped off that table and done a twisty heel-side grab with his back hand. Then he just rolled out of here.

She rolled in here and asked if I had any griptape.  Which of course meant I had to ask her for a dictionary.

He skidded to a stop and then kicked his ride up into his hands. It was probably the coolest thing I've ever seen, though for reference, I mostly garden.

If you want to pick this guy out in a crowd, look for a helmet and elbow-pads. Then on his forearms, look for road-rash.

He tracked a bunch of clay in here. Where'd he get that?

He did a 180 the moment he crossed the threshold. But that wasn't nearly as impressive as the 720.

She did a 180 the moment she crossed the threshold. But that wasn't nearly as impressive as the 720.

She asked if I needed any "stale fish." Before I could say no, she'd jumped off that table and done a twisty heel-side grab with her back hand. Then she just rolled out of here.

He asked if I needed any "stale fish." Before I could say no, he'd jumped off that table and done a twisty heel-side grab with his back hand. Then he just rolled out of here.

She pulled off some impressive lip tricks and manuals on her board, but Tony Hawk, she was not. 

He pulled off some impressive lip tricks and manuals on her board, but Tony Hawk, he was not. 

Limousine

Hard to believe he resorted to stealing. With wheels like those, you already look like a million bucks.

Really, that guy was a crook? Come to think of it, his chauffeur did seem underpaid.

She wouldn't get out of her car until her driver opened the door for her. Does that make the driver an accomplice?

With all the drinks trays his vehicle had, I guess it made sense for him to hire a permanent designated driver. Wish I had that kind of scratch.

With all the drinks trays her vehicle had, I guess it made sense for her to hire a permanent designated driver. Wish I had that kind of scratch.

Judging by his ride, he was either one of the richest criminals I've ever seen or was on his way back from the airport.

QUIRKS

Stutter

First he skipped words, and then he skipped town.

Words to her were like hurdles. She kept tripping over them.

She was a woman of few words. Not by choice, though.

He told me he suffered from alalia syllabaris, though it took him a while to finish telling me that.

She told me she suffered from alalia syllabaris, though it took her a while to finish telling me that.

The way he talked reminded me of Moses, though his promised land sounded a lot like a bank vault.

He must have had a thing for consonants, because he kept repeating them.

He said he belonged to the organization founded by Malcolm Fraser and Dr. Charles Van Riper.

She said she belonged to the organization founded by Malcolm Fraser and Dr. Charles Van Riper.

He was more comfortable singing his questions at me than speaking them. Apparently that's a common way to overcome his impediment.

She was more comfortable singing her questions at me than speaking them. Apparently that's a common way to overcome her impediment.

Paranoia

He gave me a pamphlet, then accused me of being part of the International Brotherhood of Pamphlet Takers.

He asked if I was wearing a wire. But my glasses are 1-obviously tortoise-shell!

She kept looking around for "bugs." Didn't matter that I'd just had the exterminator in.

Every time I tried to reason with him, he told me I was "talking math" and then buried his face in a foil bag.

He was an endless font of curiosity. At least that's how I interpreted his constant demands to know what I "had on him."

Talks to Animals

I saw her in the park feeding squirrels. But first, she asked them for their order.

It was almost like she knew what that stray cat was thinking when it said, and I quote, "hiss."

He spent the whole time barking into his cell phone.

I told him he looked happier than a pig in slop. He replied that he'd talked to many a pig that said slop was overrated.

He clearly had a monkey on his back. It was easier to hear it whisper that way.

She could have been a mole. She certainly talked like one.

He spent the whole time barking into his cell phone.

If I didn't know any better, I'd say he and my cat engaged in a substantive debate about the tax code.

I didn't talk to her, but you might want to interview that goldfish..

Bad Hygiene

There was something stuck in his teeth. I think it was a whole roast chicken.

He showed up with Oaxaca cheese on his chin. I pointed it out to him, and he stormed out, muttering about Tlayuda.

This guy may be hard to take down. He was clearly impervious to toothbrushes.

My memory's a little muddy when it comes to his face, perhaps because it was covered in mud.

Wherever she was going, she needed to wear layers. At least to cover up the neck filth.          

He asked if there was a good place to eat nearby. I suggested whatever was stuck to his shirt.

She had white hair. At least I think she did. A lot of it seemed to be crawling around.

There were some holes in his corduroys. Unless those were his legs, and the holes were dried half-and-half.

There were some holes in her corduroys. Unless those were her legs, and the holes were dried half-and-half.

As soon as he walked in, I saw a cockroach. He apologized, saying they usually stay in his socks.

As soon as she walked in, I saw a cockroach. She apologized, saying they usually stay in her socks.

I asked him the last time he'd had a shower. He said he hosted his sister's wedding shower 6 months ago.

I asked her the last time he'd had a shower. She said she hosted her sister's wedding shower 6 months ago.

Zero Carbon Footprint

He went around unplugging everyone's phone charger. Guess he had some sort of outlet fetish.

He wanted to know if I was a local. I was afraid that meant he was considering eating me.

He wouldn't turn on the air conditioning unless it was powered by geothermal heat.

She wanted to know if I was a local. I was afraid that meant she was considering eating me.

She wouldn't let me talk to her until she was sure I was local.

I think even his clothes were made of soy. I bet tofu would make nice cushiony socks.

She wouldn't turn on the air conditioning unless it was powered by geothermal heat.

She had a photo album full of pictures of wind turbines. Said she took them with a solar-powered camera.

He had a photo album full of pictures of wind turbines. Said he took them with a solar-powered camera.

She sped away in her car, leaving a plume of frying oil. It was the first time a getaway ever made me hungry.

He sped away in his car, leaving a plume of frying oil. It was the first time a getaway ever made me hungry.

You'd think it would be hard to pull off heists when you're that dedicated to carpooling.

When this lady had an idea, a compact fluorescent popped up over her head.

He rode a bicycle until he had generated enough pedal power to charge a car battery. Then he drove to the recycling center.

She rode a bicycle until she had generated enough pedal power to charge a car battery. Then she drove to the recycling center

BODY

Slim

The guy was built like a pencil.  You think he was packing lead?

I would say that she takes up a lot less space inside a hula hoop than most people.

His build reminded me of that famous poker player, Amarillo.

She might be hard to find. That woman could successfully hide behind a lamppost.

Ever heard of a pot belly? This gal had a pan belly.

He was a waif with a body like a wafer that would waffle with the slightest waft of wind. Try saying that five times fast.

She was a waif with a body like a wafer that would waffle with the slightest waft of wind. Try saying that five times fast.

I bet he's a pretty skilled crook. The way he's built, he probably has no trouble squeezing into tight places.

I bet she's a pretty skilled crook. The way she's built, she probably has no trouble squeezing into tight places.

Towering

You know how some people walk around with their heads in the clouds? She did that literally.

I'd describe her as statuesque, but it maybe more accurate to say Washington Monumentesque.

When I saw her, I asked, "How's the weather up there?" Apparently, it was raining non-amusement.

He was a skyscraper of a man. I wonder how the view was from the top.

I commented on her narrow waist, and she narrowed her eyes at me as well.

If I were her, I'd really install a blinking red light on my forehead. After all, helicopters are everywhere.

When she showed up, she had to duck to get through the door.

She was the kind of girl who has to pay attention to clearance signs written for vehicles.

If I were him, I'd really install a blinking red light on my forehead. After all, helicopters are everywhere.

I would liken her to film's most infamous inferno, except she wasn't actively on fire at the time I saw her.

I'd describe him as statuesque, but it maybe more accurate to say Washington Monumentesque.

I'd describe her as statuesque, but it maybe more accurate to say Washington Monumentesque.

Athletic

If I ever need a discus thrown through a brick wall, I'll call her. And as it turns out, that's exactly what I need for this week's frisbee golf game.

I'd give you less than a sporting chance of bringing down a woman who appears to be that good at sports.

She'll be hard to outmaneuver. With that build, it looks like she can play offense AND defense.

I thought he was a shoplifter, because he looked like he could do exactly that.

She seemed like the gal who's always picked first at recess. Also like the kind of gal who'd steal the ball.

She seemed suspicious, so I tried to take notes about her appearance, but she was so toned that I ended up just asking for an autograph.

I thought she was a shoplifter, because she looked like she could do exactly that.

Stocky

She looked like someone you don't want to go up against in a pie-eating contest.

She was built like a bowling ball. But not one you'd want to bowl with, because her arms and legs would affect the roll.

You've heard of six-pack abs? Well, this woman was packing a keg.

If you were fattening him up to eat him, you'd already have succeeded. Er... not that I'm advocating cannibalism.

Oh I remember your suspect, she really stood out in a crowd. At least, she took up a lot of space in one.

Hunched

Boy did he slouch.  Probably the last person I'd nominate to carry a stack of important books from this room to the next on his head, and I'll swear to that in court.

 If doing the limbo allowed you to bend forward, she'd be a natural for it.

Shame it doesn't; maybe if she'd been a hit at parties she wouldn't have turned to crime.

Looked to me like he suffered from kyphosis, but I'm not a doctor, so I can't know for sure.

Look, go easy on the lady when you catch her. She had the posture of a Notre Dame bellringer.

His posture made me think he would have benefited from a lumbar brace.

He seemed sad at first. Then I saw him smiling and I realized it was just his posture that made him look depressed.

She seemed sad at first. Then I saw her smiling and I realized it was just her posture that made her look depressed.

At first I thought he was bowing respectfully, then I realized he just had bad posture.  For a second there, I felt so flattered!

HAIR and EYES

GREEN EYES

Leaves! The guy's eyes were the color of leaves! In the summer, of course. I suppose autumn doesn't really narrow it down.

I was jealous of his eye color, which was certainly appropriate.

How are you going to find this guy? You look totally inexperienced! Come to think of it, so did his eyes.

His eyes were the color of a popular canned vegetable spokesman, though they were anything but jolly. And also average-sized.

I had a good look at her eyes. To paraphrase a famous frog, it's not easy being that color.

If eyes are the windows to the soul, this guy had some pretty lush vegetation growing in his soul.

His eyes were the color of my mother's thumb. My mother was a gardener, you see.

Her eyes were the color businesses want to be to appeal to eco-conscious young folks. They also looked recyclable, but maybe that's just me.

His eyes were the color of my mother's thumb. My mother was a gardener, you see.

Her eyes were the color of my mother's thumb. My mother was a gardener, you see.

BLUE EYES

If her eyes reminded me of one branch of the armed services, it would have to be the Navy.  Both in color, and in how often she swabbed them.

If my metaphorical collar were the color of her eyes, I'd be living a more hardscrabble life! Just how I think.

I tell you, you only meet a guy like this once in a moon the color of his eyes.

She had sad eyes, going solely on the color.

His eyes had seen a lot. They reminded me of a music genre that tends toward the bitterly nostalgic.

His eyes were opposite orange on the color wheel. I'm a very artistic person, and I've had a very bad day, so that's all I'll tell you.

I can't exactly remember what color his eyes were, but if you stick around I'm sure it'll come to me out of the... hm... forgot the expression also.

He had sad eyes, going solely on the color.

His eyes were opposite orange on the color wheel. I'm a very artistic person, and I've had a very bad day, so that's all I'll tell you.

His eyes reminded me of raspberry candy. Why is it that raspberry candy is never actually the color of raspberries?

Her eyes reminded me of raspberry candy. Why is it that raspberry candy is never actually the color of raspberries?

His eyes had seen a lot. They reminded me of a music genre that tends toward the bitterly nostalgic.

Her eyes had seen a lot. They reminded me of a music genre that tends toward the bitterly nostalgic.

I tell you, you only meet a guy like this once in a moon the color of his eyes.

I tell you, you only meet a gal like this once in a moon the color of her eyes.

BROWN EYES

He managed to look distinguished despite having the most common eye color.

Her eyes reminded me of Myotis lucifugus, in that they were little, creepy, and something else.

If her eyes were a last name, they could've been a three-time governor of California.

If his eyes were a last name, they could've been a three-time governor of California.

He had real eagle eyes.  Not in terms of sharpness, more in terms of below-the-neck feather color.

What could brown do for this guy? See.

She had eyes like an oxidized Granny Smith apple. 

He had eyes like an oxidized Granny Smith apple. 

What could brown do for this gal? See.

What could brown do for this guy? See.

He had the kind of eyes people write songs about. Well, Van Morrison anyway.

She had the kind of eyes people write songs about. Well, Van Morrison anyway.

VIOLET EYES

With eyes that color, I thought he was descended from Roman royalty.

She had an unusual eye color.  Unless she was wearing red contacts over blue irises. In which case, I'd say she was just an unusual girl.

I thought she'd been punched in the eye, but it turned out that color was natural, not the result of a few days of bruising.

I'll say this much: if his eyes were prose, they'd be overdone.

Looking into his eyes, I had a deep desire for a piece of grape gum.

His eyes were what you might find at the end of a mnemonic rainbow.

SMOKY EYES

She had eyes the color of every actor and actress who ever acted in a black-and-white movie.

Her eyes looked like someone had failed to prevent a forest fire.

I'll never forget his eyes, because I never forget anything that desaturated.

I had to look away from her eyes so that mine wouldn't die from inhalation of hers.

If his eyes had musical talent, they'd be lead singer of the Miracles.

Goodness! Call the fire department! Those were my exact words upon seeing his eyes.

His eyes reminded me of London fog. Though he didn't like it when I turned on my portable fog light.

I'll never forget his eyes, because I never forget anything that desaturated.

If her eyes had musical talent, they'd be lead singer of the Miracles.

She had eyes the color of every actor and actress who ever acted in a black-and-white movie.

AUBURN HAIR

As far as hair goes, I'd say his looked like the Harvard and Brown football teams had hit each other so hard that their colors mixed together.

I got a good look at your suspect -- she had some red locks, some brown locks, and a whole bunch of broken combination locks.

She was adamant that she didn't have red hair, and complained that everyone made that mistake. So I would characterize her hair color as "defensive."

Her hair was the second letter in that classic color acronym, RAY G BIV. I wonder how the Bivs are doing these days.

I told her she had great hair, then asked where I could get a reddish-brown wig like that. Then I was like, "Aw, burn!"

Her tresses seemed to alternate between umber and rust, depending on the light.  Even so, she refused to let me paint her in the nude.

I would describe her as cinnamon-headed.  In color, that is, though rest assured I also tasted it.  It was a bit nuttier than your standard red.

She had hair like Gloria Estefan. I wonder if you'll get her as surely as the rhythm will get you?

He had seasonal hair: I'd describe it as chestnut, roasting on an open fire.

Her hair was robin's-chest not-quite-brown. Whoa, now that I say that out loud, I think it'd make a great baby name, right?

His hair was robin's-chest not-quite-brown. Whoa, now that I say that out loud, I think it'd make a great baby name, right?

As hair goes, I'd say it was somewhere in the same athletic conference as Vanderbilt and Alabama.

RED HAIR

You're in luck, I clipped a lock of her hair. Here it is, the color of polished garnet. Now can you take off your hat for a second?

I remember her hair being purple, but that might have been during my brief experiment with blue-tinted sunglasses.

At first I thought she was flying the Chinese flag over her head, but then I looked closer and it was just her hair.

Do you happen to have any freshly boiled lobster? I've been craving some ever since I saw his hair. Guess I should see someone about that.

If his hair had a last name like "Buttons" or "Skelton," it could make it as a 1940s comedian.

I'll tell you this much: if I ran a fire station it'd be in her best interest to avoid it, because I'd probably keep trying to douse her hair.

She had these great-looking russet locks.  Pretty good-looking russet keys, too.  Turns out that's what she'd used to break into my place.

Roses are red / violets are blue / her hair was like one of those things / see if you can guess which.

I wonder if she gets her hair cut by a professional, or if she just hires Moses to part it.

He had the hair of Erik Thorvaldsson. In color, that is. He didn't have his actual hair.

Do you happen to have any freshly boiled lobster? I've been craving some ever since I saw her hair. Guess I should see someone about that.

Got a riddle for you: what's black and white and red all over and actually now that I think about it, just red and not at all black and white? His hair.

Got a riddle for you: what's black and white and red all over and actually now that I think about it, just red and not at all black and white? Her hair.

DARK HAIR

Her hair absorbed light like her pockets absorbed my money clip.

 Judging by her hair, she was up to some real back-alley business. I'm talkin' real shady.

Her hair was the color of demon's ichor, or really rich chocolate. Hm, now I'm double-hungry.

You know that drink, really hot, contains caffeine, comes from beans? Yeah, her hair was like that. I'd remember the word if I weren't so tired.

Hair-wise, I'd describe him as a cross between a panther and a sinkhole.

It's hard to describe his hair color. It was almost like every color at once.

Hair-wise, I'd describe her as a cross between a panther and a sinkhole.

Close your eyes. That's what her hair looked like from really close up.

She had hair the color of cola. Or was it diet cola?

Her hair absorbed light like her pockets absorbed my money clip.

It looked like his hair was always in the shadows. Real criminal underworld material, if you ask me!

GREY HAIR

You might think he's evil, but judging by his hair he's of a more ambiguous morality.

She's led a stressful life, judging by the color of her hair.  That or she's just too lazy to get it dyed.

I'll tell you this much: if her hair were a woman from history, it'd have ruled England for 9 days in 1553.

She was all steely locks, and steely lockpicks.

She was slate-headed, and come to think of it was also carrying a slate.  On which she'd sketched a very convincing self-portrait.

How do I put this? She had hair like the goose most likely to sell vodka.

She had a lot more youthful energy than her hair would suggest. And let me tell you, it was pretty suggestive hair.

He had a lot more youthful energy than his hair would suggest. And let me tell you, it was pretty suggestive hair.

BLONDE HAIR

His head was covered in flax. Toss in some honey-nut clusters, you've got yourself a healthy breakfast.

One look at her hair and I thought, "This girl has more fun."

He had a mane like a lion, though it was more the color of a giraffe.

Do you know the word "stramineous?" I didn't either, until your guy used it to describe his hair. How vain can you get?

He had hair like a strawberry-banana smoothie, minus the strawberry.

I'd describe his hair as somewhere between saffron and a Liverpool rock group's submarine.

Her hair was like the bottom part of a famous Bob Dylan album title. Or was it the top part?

You know that dessert? Darker than cookies, more like a cake, served in squares? Yeah, his hair was the opposite of that.

You know that dessert? Darker than cookies, more like a cake, served in squares? Yeah, her hair was the opposite of that.

He complained that people judge him as stupid because of his hair color. Then he turned around, saw me, and realized he'd been complaining to a mailbox.

She complained that people judge her as stupid because of her hair color. Then she turned around, saw me, and realized she'd been complaining to a mailbox.

His hair was flaxen, like the flaxiest of flax.

Her hair was flaxen, like the flaxiest of flax.

HOBBY

Needlepoint

His hobby was out there, so out there it reached all the way to the parlors of 18th-century Colonial Williamsburg.

He said you'd find him as easily as a needle in a haystack.  Come to think of it, he used a lot of sewing metaphors.

She left behind this spool of thread.  Think you can give it back during the arrest?

She said she was one of those people who sees patterns where none exist, but luckily she'd found a hobby that gave her an outlet for that.

He said, "I've been framed!" But then he held up a scroll frame.

She said, "I've been framed!" But then she held up a scroll frame.

She kept eyeing my shirt-front, like she had plans to redesign it.

She kept muttering that she was the next Rosey Grier.  Not for sports though, she wanted to make that clear.

Her hobby was out there, so out there it reached all the way to the parlors of 18th-century Colonial Williamsburg.

He kept mumbling about all the patterns he was seeing. I told him to put down the needle and slowly back away.

She kept mumbling about all the patterns he was seeing. I told her to put down the needle and slowly back away.

She kept eyeing my shirt-front, like she had plans to redesign it.

He kept eyeing my shirt-front, like he had plans to redesign it.

I saw some of her work, and it was remarkably intricate.  Oh - I mean the sewing pattern, not the international theft.

I saw some of his work, and it was remarkably intricate.  Oh - I mean the sewing pattern, not the international theft.

TENNIS

I remember that we started talking at the same time, she said "let!", and then we started over.

She said she didn't respect any judge's authority, unless they were sitting in a high sideline chair.

She was less worried about your dragnet than the court's net.

I remember that we started talking at the same time, she said "let!", and then we started over.

He wanted me to meet him in an alley. But I had to bring a partner, or it'd be out of bounds.

She tracked a bunch of clay in here. Where'd she get that?

He said he didn't respect any judge's authority, unless they were sitting in a high sideline chair.

She had a can of fuzzy green balls that she opened with a "pssh" sound.

He had a can of fuzzy green balls that she opened with a "pssh" sound.

HORTICULTURE

With those dirt stains all over her pants, she looked like she had just come back from burying something valuable. I'm thinking goldenrod.

With those dirt stains all over his pants, he looked like he had just come back from burying something valuable. I'm thinking goldenrod.

She looked like a stone cold killer.  Of weeds and other garden pests. Otherwise she seemed quite gentle.

She wasn't afraid to call a spade a spade, or a telescopic bypass lopper a telescopic bypass lopper.

She is a growing threat. And by that I mean, a threat that grows things.

In the criminal landscape, she was the one who planted the seeds of chaos. And the literal seeds, also.

In the criminal landscape, he was the one who planted the seeds of chaos. And the literal seeds, also.

Steam Robotics

Do you have any idea what the Carnot cycle is? Because that was how she explained the flow of money from my cash register to her giant burlap sack.

All she could talk about was valve gears. All I could talk about was how she needed a new hobby.

It was hard to hear what he was saying, what with his giant bag of copper pipes and steel gearshafts all clankin' around.

She had grandiose plans to build a perfect replica of the Automatic Man. I hope she succeeds, so she can meet something with more personality than her.

She was nursing a burn on her forearm, and said that she'd gotten it from a boiler. But she did also say the boiler had apologized.

I can't say she had the most accessible hobby, given how excited she was to build a coal-fired autonomous hobby accessor lift.

She waxed poetic on the virtues of the fireless locomotive. I waxed the hood of my regular car and told her to go away.

All he could talk about was valve gears. All I could talk about was how he needed a new hobby.

Do you have any idea what the Carnot cycle is? Because that was how he explained the flow of money from my cash register to his giant burlap sack.

 Oh yeah, this guy. We had such an awkward conversation, but he got along really well with my hydraulic toaster.

All he could talk about was valve gears. All I could talk about was how he needed a new hobby.

He was nursing a burn on his forearm, and said that he'd gotten it from a boiler. But he did also say the boiler had apologized.

I had a four-hour debate with the woman on the merits of cross compounds vs. tandem compounds vs. angle compounds. Maybe that's why my headache is still compounding.

She kept bragging that she knew every stage of a four-stroke engine.  I'd guess she also knew every stage of romantic rejection.

He kept bragging that he knew every stage of a four-stroke engine.  I'd guess he also knew every stage of romantic rejection.

She kept bragging that she knew every stage of a four-stroke engine.  I'd guess she also knew every stage of romantic rejection.

Gambling

He bragged that your odds weren't very good.  Then he bet on you for the bigger payout.

He seemed taken aback when I didn't offer him free drinks just for being here.

She said, "let's make this interesting," and then put money down on whether I knew what she meant by that.

He said he wasn't used to being in a place with so few mirrors, so many clocks, and no cards to count. I told him I had a couple in my wallet, if that helped.

Well if you don't catch him/her, a loan shark probably will. From what I saw, he's/she's pretty much an injured loan seal.

If you're going to catch him, you'd better have an ace up your sleeve.  Because he'd stuffed a bunch into his pant legs.

When you catch her, you should check her pockets.  She kept saying she had kings in there!

He said, "let's make this interesting," and then put money down on whether I knew what he meant by that.

She said she wasn't used to being in a place with so few mirrors, so many clocks, and no cards to count. I told her I had a couple in my wallet, if that helped.

He said he wasn't used to being in a place with so few mirrors, so many clocks, and no cards to count. I told her I had a couple in my wallet, if that helped.

She was very distracted. She kept checking her fantasy football team, her fantasy hockey team, her fantasy fantasy team-owner team, and her fantasy slot machine.

He was very distracted. He kept checking his fantasy football team, his fantasy hockey team, his fantasy fantasy team-owner team, and his fantasy slot machine.

DISTINGUISHING CHARACTERISTICS

Floppy Hat

She showed up in the kind of headgear that made you think she was compensating for something.

That hat was impressive. Too bad about the face beneath it.

He was wearing what the French would call un grand châpeau.

I once read a children's book about a famous cat. This guy shared a taste in apparel, but he appeared less fun-loving.

She was wearing what the French would call un grand châpeau.

I once read a children's book about a famous cat. This guy shared a taste in apparel, but he appeared less fun-loving.

I couldn't get a good look at his face -- just his brim.

Pet Raven

I don't want to crow, but I know the distinction between her companion and a crow.

He asked me if I had any mealworms for his friend. Didn't make any sense until he took the curtain off the cage he was carrying.

Birds of a feather stick together, so judging by the company she kept I guess this girl had feathers.

She had such beady little eyes. I guess it's true that some people start to look like the animals they keep.

One look at this guy and I knew he was ravin' mad. Or mad for ravens. What's the expression again?

One look at this guy and I knew he was ravin' mad. Or mad for ravens. What's the expression again?

I wanted to show her some footage I'd taken of the center of the planet, but she said, "No thanks, I have a corvid right here." Get it?

It looked like she'd stolen something from the Tower of London, though it could have just flown away itself.

Fur Coat

What he was wearing could only be described as "lustrous." I had a strong urge to comb it.

He must have just had a long night. It looked like he'd had to crawl inside an animal for warmth and never got out.

She seemed cold. Either that, or she was unusually attached to her outerwear. Maybe it was once her pet raccoon dog.

She must have just had a long night. It looked like she'd had to crawl inside an animal for warmth and never got out.

She was sweating buckets. Either because she knew you were tracking her, or because of that serious pelt on her body.

When she first walked in, I thought, "Oh my goodness, a bear!" Though it would have been more accurate to have mistaken her for a man-sized chinchilla.

Dressed like that, I'd guess he was on his way to the opera, or to a Siberian fortress, or to agitate an animal rights activist.

He seemed like a real wolf in sheep's clothing. Except his clothing may actually have been wolf.

She seemed like a real wolf in sheep's clothing. Except her clothing may actually have been wolf.

He seemed uncomfortable in his skin, but quite comfortable in something else's skin.

He seemed like a real wolf in sheep's clothing. Except his clothing may actually have been wolf.

I know that some local animal-rights demonstrators had just thrown a can of paint on her coat. I had to resist saying "that's what I call a coat of paint!"

He seemed uncomfortable in his skin, but quite comfortable in something else's skin.

When he first walked in, I though, "Oh my goodness, a bear!" Though it would have been more accurate to have mistaken him for a man-sized chinchilla.

When she first walked in, I though, "Oh my goodness, a bear!" Though it would have been more accurate to have mistaken her for a man-sized chinchilla.

Here's something you can add to the list of things she stole: the luxurious mane of a mink.

Here's something you can add to the list of things he stole: the luxurious mane of a mink.

My dog growled at her coat -- this pooch here's got strong hunting instincts but can't always tell when something's still alive.

My dog growled at his coat -- this pooch here's got strong hunting instincts but can't always tell when something's still alive.

Bodyguard

Who did this guy think he was, the President? Because if so, he really needed more than a one-member Secret Service.

He and the burly guy he rolled with looked so close, they could probably finish each other's jail sentences.

He looked important. Or at least he was willing to hire someone to make him look important.

She looked important. Or at least she was willing to hire someone to make her look important.

He must have been going on a trip, because he mentioned that his companion was packing.

He must have been inclined to loneliness, because he insisted on keeping very close company.

If you catch him, you'll still have to deal with his muscle. Not any muscle on his body though, those were pretty scrawny.

The guy seemed insecure. Probably why he hired security. For the complements.

The gal seemed insecure. Probably why she hired security. For the complements.

Peg-leg

She was a real stick-in-the-mud. Well, one of her legs would have been if she were walking on a muddy field.

There was something about the way she walked. Something that said, "I'm a few joints short."

The way she walked, I couldn't help myself. I had to ask if her favorite side of a boat was "starrrrboard."

He said, "I've never been caught, knock on wood." Then, strangely, he rapped on his shin.

He was the kind of person who you want to kick in the shin, if one of them wasn't guaranteed to bust your toe.

The guy was tough as nails. I think I saw a few of them sticking out of his pant leg.

FOOD

Vegan

Oh yeah, we traded recipes for mock-pork faux-tacos. She had a great tip for getting the elasticity out of wheat germ by -- hey, come back! I haven't told you the tip!

Oh yeah, we traded recipes for mock-pork faux-tacos. She had a great tip for getting the elasticity out of wheat germ by -- hey, come back! I haven't told you the tip!

Until I met him, I had no idea someone could feel so strongly about tempeh.

So I would describe him as tempeh-mental.

I never imagined I'd meet a woman so convinced, and I quote, of "the wonders of nutritional yeast." I had to eat three hot dogs before I stopped shaking.

I take pride in being on top of the food chain.  He took pride in avoiding it altogether.

The guy was so militant, he wouldn't even let a chicken cook him dinner. Seems like a waste of a perfectly talented chicken.

When he questioned my turkey sandwich, I asked who died and made him food boss.  His answer? Millions of turkeys.

He said he would die if he couldn't find a helping of pistachio-dusted smoked-tempeh casserole. Whereas I was pretty sure I'd die if I tried it.

I take pride in being on top of the food chain.  He took pride in avoiding it altogether.

He seemed pretty high on drinking only almond milk, until I described the brutal workings of almond-milking machines.

She seemed pretty high on drinking only almond milk, until I described the brutal workings of almond-milking machines.

He said he was strictly herbivorous. I responded that I was strictly ambivalent.

She said she was strictly herbivorous. I responded that I was strictly ambivalent.

She seemed pretty high on drinking only almond milk, until I described the brutal workings of almond-milking machines.

He seemed pretty high on drinking only almond milk, until I described the brutal workings of almond-milking machines.

He refused to eat animals of any kind. I'm not sure animals would give him the same consideration.

She refused to eat animals of any kind. I'm not sure animals would give her the same consideration.

Italian

I remember her saying she could eat a meal fit for a Pope. I also remember picturing an excited Pope in a bib.

She said she'd tried every kind of olive from Sicily to Milan. I said it was time for a new hobby.

He said he'd tried every kind of olive from Sicily to Milan. I said it was time for a new hobby.

Did you know there's actually a difference between a trattoria, an osteria, and a ristorante? Because this woman did and she wouldn't shut up about it.

She was carrying a sack of canned tomatoes in one hand, and a much lighter sack of stolen diamonds in the other. Wonder which one she was making into sauce?

If she talked one more time about how much more "connected to history" she felt while rolling her own pasta, I'd have put her through the fettucini shredder.

He had strong opinions about whether it was okay just to order a primi piatti, or if you had to get the secondi as well. I cut him off before he could weigh in on dessert.

He had a craving for balsamic-marinated octopus.  It paired well with my craving for other company.

She had a craving for balsamic-marinated octopus.  It paired well with my craving for other company.

He was carrying a sack of canned tomatoes in one hand, and a much lighter sack of stolen diamonds in the other. Wonder which one he was making into sauce?

She was carrying a sack of canned tomatoes in one hand, and a much lighter sack of stolen diamonds in the other. Wonder which one she was making into sauce?

She offered to feed me, but only if she could cover my table with a red-and-white checkered tablecloth first.

He offered to feed me, but only if he could cover my table with a red-and-white checkered tablecloth first.

She wanted a meal to complement, in her words, a "1945 Brunello di Montalcino di someone else."

He wanted a meal to complement, in his words, a "1945 Brunello di Montalcino di someone else."

Chinese

She believed there were two kinds of people: steamed dumpling people, and fried dumpling people.  When I said I didn't like either of them, she said "Eureka! A third kind of person!"

Oh I remember her, she was carrying about a dozen of those little white cardboard take-out containers. Though she said at least half of them were full of diamonds.

He was wearing one of those beer hats, but the bottles were filled with egg drop soup.  That guy knew how to party.

The lady was good with numbers. I think she knew which noodle dish every one of them stood for on that giant menu.

He left me his fortune: "YOU WILL SOON ROB THE LOUVRE."  Still has some crumbs in it.

He had some really interesting ideas about the future of the scallion pancake.  Whatever his crimes, we need more thinkers like that.

New American

I'll tell you this much: she seemed oddly affectionate toward Brussels sprouts.

If she recited one more paean to the wonders of pork belly, I was going to be sick to my belly.

If he recited one more paean to the wonders of pork belly, I was going to be sick to my belly.

I offered her some food, but she declined after narrowing her eyes and asking what farm it came from.

I heard her muttering to herself that onions were inferior to ramps.

He seemed intent on doing something with two huge bags of frisee and escarole. Can't imagine what, though.

He said he was working to perfect, and I swear this is what he said, "a savory meditation on gumbo." What? Come on.  Is that even food?

She said she was working to perfect, and I swear this is what she said, "a savory meditation on gumbo." What? Come on.  Is that even food?

He wouldn't shut up about his plans for an upscale deli sandwich truck.

She said she'd just come from the market, and I wasn't going to BELIEVE the pliability of the plums she'd bought for her deconstructed cobbler.  I told her to go deconstruct herself.

I offered him some shepherd's pie, but he said he preferred it made with sweet potatoes and turkey glace.

I'll tell you this much: he seemed oddly affectionate toward Brussels sprouts.

I'll tell you this much: she seemed oddly affectionate toward Brussels sprouts.

Mexican

He offered me a bite of his chapulines, and when he told me what they were, I almost choked.

At first I thought she was being rude, but then I realized she actually did have serious "nacho business."

When you catch him, will you ask if he prefers soft or hard corn tortillas? I forgot to ask and it's been bugging me.

Yeah, I remember her.  But I'd probably remember anyone who walked in here munching on a wheel of cotija.

She offered to feed me, but only if she could cover my table with a red-and-white checkered tablecloth first.

If she talked one more time about how much more "connected to history" she felt while rolling her own pasta, I'd have put her through the fettucini shredder.

I thought she was calling me a gordita, and I was offended. Turns out she was just trying to order food.

She slathered everything with mole sauce. I was disgusted, until she assured me it's not actually made of subterranean rodents.

She gave me a chile look, and then a poblano look, and then a jalapeno look. I don't know why she didn't just come out and say she liked spicy food.

He gave me a chile look, and then a poblano look, and then a jalapeno look. I don't know why he didn't just come out and say she liked spicy food.